Dark Minds

Yes, this is really what goes on in my head...

Dark minds

Dark minds conspire against me

They seek to have me believe that I am not worthy of love
They seek to discredit anyone I am interested in
They seek to keep me alone, removed from possibility
It’s for your own good
You can do better

The darkest mind is mine alone

I am too old, to fat, to odd
Who would want to go out with me
Who would want to be with me
I will not be made a fool
I will not make the first move

A look, a glance, a smile, a joke

Tendrils of possibility enter this dark mind
And are immediately extinguished
Nothing will be allowed to take root here
This land is barren
Devoid
Bereft

The thoughts sweep the tendrils away

A guy would only ask you out if he lost a bet
Or was trying to win a bet
Or wanted to embarrass you
Like a bad sitcom, a guy would ask you over
To serve drinks at his party
Or to talk about a new girlfriend
Or to get information

No one is interested in you

No one wants you

And yet, there are still these tendrils of possibility

That the dark minds must destroy

Voices

And for some reason, I keep falling for the wrong guys...

Voices

I am in love with a guy I cannot love 

It is wrong on so many levels
I cannot explain or control my feelings
I like talking to him
I like listening to him
I like looking into his eyes
I like his smile

Voices tell me this is wrong

He’s not right for you
You can do better
Anyone but him

My own voice says

I want a guy who wants me
I don’t want to make the first move

I put him behind me and yet
Here we are again
I can’t stop thinking about him
He sounded emphatic and I saw something in his eyes
And I felt butterflies in my stomach

How stupid

I’m reading too much into this
There is nothing there
No chemistry
He is not interested
He told me that before

It took EVERYTHING I had not to walk with him out the door

To the parking lot
To try to get some sort of sign
That he is interested

We keep winding up together at things

Partners because we don’t have partners
I don’t want someone because they are the only one there
But I want him
But I can’t go out with him
Because it’s wrong

I think if I had walked out that door with him

He might have said something I wanted to hear
It would be the booze
I hadn’t been drinking
He had

If I pursued him, he would be mine

By not pursuing him am I pursuing him?
Attracting him by pretending I’m not attracted to him
But listening to his every word
And telling him all about me

Am I crazy?

The voices the voices the voices

Listen to the voices

He’s weird

He’s smart

He’s odd

He’s funny

He’s flaky

He’s not right for you

Go out and see if he likes you
You can do better
You cannot reel him in
You cannot date him
He is too much like the other one
You will be doing one hundred percent of the work

If he asked you out would you say yes?

Yes
Yes
I would

What is wrong with me?

By telling me to call him, is he making a move-

Trying to say that he WANTS ME to call him
And then he leaves
He drives me crazy.

This is stupid

I miss my exit thinking about him

I can’t sleep

I am starved for love and affection

Affirmation
I would consume him in flames
and leave nothing but a charred shell.
Not fair to him

I would feel validation

Warmth, caring
Then I would move on
To do better
To date someone that is more open,
More sharing, more confident

And having reached out

And reeled in one that was not interested,

I would leave him with nothing
Not fair

The voices the voices the voices

Listen to your own voice
You cannot date him
He’s weird
He’s odd
He’s flaky
He deserves better
You are not right for him

Copyright 2008.  Lori Dominick

A New Year's Kiss

New Year's has never really been a great holiday for me - so here is my wish:

New Year’s Kiss

 

A New Year’s kiss

Cannot be half-hearted
Or desperate
Or overly alcohol induced

Cannot be gained

Through trickery
Deception
Connivance
Contrivance

Cannot be last minute

What the hell
You’ll do
You’re here

A New Year’s Kiss

Is comfortable
And passionate
And fireworks

Childish fantasy

Maybe

But I will hold out

For that New Year’s Kiss
And hold on
To that Kiss
As long a possible

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Cooking For One

"Cooking for One" is the name of my future cooking show and cookbook.  It will feature dishes such as:

Frank and Bean
Creamed Pea
Mashed Potato

As well as other dishes, such as:
The Angry Italian
Male Chauvanist PIG in a Blanket

But that's another blog...

I did manage to write an introduction:


Cooking For One

I catch myself crying at unexpected times
Looking through old recipes
Passing ones I pulled because I thought you would like them.

I really thought I could make you stay
If I cooked the right food

I don't feel like cooking anymore
I don't have the energy
Though I should feel like cooking for myself

No one to cook for
What's the point
I can always just eat food out of a bag

I ate four bowls of cereal today
But I'm still hungry
I need nourishment

Which is why I was looking through old recipes
And thinking of the good times I had cooking for you

And now I'm cooking for one
BUT I'M NOT BITTER.


Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Why Do I Let You Get to Me?

Why do I let you get to me?

Dart throwin’
Beer Guzzlin’
White Trash
Hairnet Hon
HOMEWRECKER

Go talk to her

Why tell me these things
I cannot love you
I cannot take care of you
I cannot care about you

But I do care
I do worry
Now I can’t get to sleep

You broke my heart
I shouldn’t give a damn about your
Migraines
Doctor visits
Test results

Do you think you’re stressed?
Really.
Try running the world sometime

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

A Dangerous Game

A Dangerous Game

 I’m playing a dangerous game

Walking a thin line

Between infatuation and attraction

Bordering on psychotic

I could reel you in

I can feel it

It wouldn’t be hard

But it would be wrong

Taking advantage of a friend

Because I am tired of being alone

I extend an invitation and wait for you to accept

(I know you will)

I plot my next move

While pretending I’m not interested if you accept or not

Safer this way

Make it your idea

Make you make the first move

That way I don’t get hurt

If nothing happens, I’ve lost nothing

You are oblivious

We’re still friends

I’m still alone

This game I can play

I play it well

I’ve played it before

It’s what I know

But I can’t play it with you

You are at a disadvantage

You are not even aware that we are playing

A dangerous game

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Bullett is Gone

October 2007.  While dealing with a separation and house that would not sell; my cat decided it was time to visit the great litter box in the sky.

Bullett is Gone

SUBMITTED TO CATFANCY ONLINE IN JANUARY 08

Bullett is gone, and

It is time
To say goodbye
To a good friend
Guardian
Constant companion
One who knew when I was hurting
One who asked for so little
One who gave so much

 She fought to the very end

Grumbling and growling all the way
Until it was done
The medicine having coursed through her veins

 I wrestle with guilt

Did I do the right thing
I killed my cat
I was merciful and put her out of her misery
I was selfish and put her out of my misery
I am so sorry

 Sixteen years jumble into five small trash bags

Favorite toys
Litter boxes
Old towels that she sat on at the very end
Water dishes, bowls
I kept one of the bowls, her favorite
Maybe I will plant something in it
and remember her always.

Copyright 2007 Lori Dominick