I Feel

This one's a little embarrasing, but you suffered through the painful ones - so here you go:

September 2007 – a thought pops into my head that maybe, just maybe, a guy might be interested in me. 

I Feel

I feel

I feel excitement
I feel happiness

I find myself smiling all day

I joke
I laugh
I am having a good time

I don’t feel

Like crying anymore

Part of me wants to keep this feeling

and fight the part of me
that is practical and realistic. 

My head is in the clouds,

and a little voice is telling me I need
to clean,
to finish moving,
to pay bills. 

But I want to savor this feeling that I have. 

I haven’t felt it in a long time. 

An overwhelming, all-powerful attraction to someone. 

I smile when he leaves me a voice mail or calls on the phone. 

I’ve started a competition over him,
but I want him. 

What am I going to do?

This is all wrong. 
He’s so nice and sweet and younger (3 years) and I must admit, lighter than I am. 
Why do I feel this way? 
Heaven help me.  

It’s like high school all over again. 

I don’t want to sleep. 
I replay normal conversations in my head and try to read if there is anything in them.

I’ve lost my mind. 

Completely. 

The voice in my head says that this is all wrong. 

It’s transferred feelings.
I am finally getting rid of an unhealthy part of my life,
Slowly extricating myself from a tangle of obligation, debt, responsibility
and I am latching on to the first single guy I meet. 
He is too much like the other one

But the other voice says no—he’s not like the other one

But he is social as well as funny and smart.

But he is odd and absent minded 

And why would he even be interested in me? 
I am so fat!
And old! 
And loud and bossy and maybe I drink too much.

But there is something in his eyes

and he is only a little taller than me
and I can stand face to face to him. 
And I want to know more about him and get to know him better. 

I think I will let myself enjoy this feeling for a while. 

I’m not going to push it. 
But I am checking my email after midnight to see if there is any chance in hell that he sent me an email. 

I know the answer is no, but I still don’t care.

Even though this will never be…

I feel possibility.

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick