Dark Minds

Yes, this is really what goes on in my head...

Dark minds

Dark minds conspire against me

They seek to have me believe that I am not worthy of love
They seek to discredit anyone I am interested in
They seek to keep me alone, removed from possibility
It’s for your own good
You can do better

The darkest mind is mine alone

I am too old, to fat, to odd
Who would want to go out with me
Who would want to be with me
I will not be made a fool
I will not make the first move

A look, a glance, a smile, a joke

Tendrils of possibility enter this dark mind
And are immediately extinguished
Nothing will be allowed to take root here
This land is barren
Devoid
Bereft

The thoughts sweep the tendrils away

A guy would only ask you out if he lost a bet
Or was trying to win a bet
Or wanted to embarrass you
Like a bad sitcom, a guy would ask you over
To serve drinks at his party
Or to talk about a new girlfriend
Or to get information

No one is interested in you

No one wants you

And yet, there are still these tendrils of possibility

That the dark minds must destroy

Voices

And for some reason, I keep falling for the wrong guys...

Voices

I am in love with a guy I cannot love 

It is wrong on so many levels
I cannot explain or control my feelings
I like talking to him
I like listening to him
I like looking into his eyes
I like his smile

Voices tell me this is wrong

He’s not right for you
You can do better
Anyone but him

My own voice says

I want a guy who wants me
I don’t want to make the first move

I put him behind me and yet
Here we are again
I can’t stop thinking about him
He sounded emphatic and I saw something in his eyes
And I felt butterflies in my stomach

How stupid

I’m reading too much into this
There is nothing there
No chemistry
He is not interested
He told me that before

It took EVERYTHING I had not to walk with him out the door

To the parking lot
To try to get some sort of sign
That he is interested

We keep winding up together at things

Partners because we don’t have partners
I don’t want someone because they are the only one there
But I want him
But I can’t go out with him
Because it’s wrong

I think if I had walked out that door with him

He might have said something I wanted to hear
It would be the booze
I hadn’t been drinking
He had

If I pursued him, he would be mine

By not pursuing him am I pursuing him?
Attracting him by pretending I’m not attracted to him
But listening to his every word
And telling him all about me

Am I crazy?

The voices the voices the voices

Listen to the voices

He’s weird

He’s smart

He’s odd

He’s funny

He’s flaky

He’s not right for you

Go out and see if he likes you
You can do better
You cannot reel him in
You cannot date him
He is too much like the other one
You will be doing one hundred percent of the work

If he asked you out would you say yes?

Yes
Yes
I would

What is wrong with me?

By telling me to call him, is he making a move-

Trying to say that he WANTS ME to call him
And then he leaves
He drives me crazy.

This is stupid

I miss my exit thinking about him

I can’t sleep

I am starved for love and affection

Affirmation
I would consume him in flames
and leave nothing but a charred shell.
Not fair to him

I would feel validation

Warmth, caring
Then I would move on
To do better
To date someone that is more open,
More sharing, more confident

And having reached out

And reeled in one that was not interested,

I would leave him with nothing
Not fair

The voices the voices the voices

Listen to your own voice
You cannot date him
He’s weird
He’s odd
He’s flaky
He deserves better
You are not right for him

Copyright 2008.  Lori Dominick

A New Year's Kiss

New Year's has never really been a great holiday for me - so here is my wish:

New Year’s Kiss

 

A New Year’s kiss

Cannot be half-hearted
Or desperate
Or overly alcohol induced

Cannot be gained

Through trickery
Deception
Connivance
Contrivance

Cannot be last minute

What the hell
You’ll do
You’re here

A New Year’s Kiss

Is comfortable
And passionate
And fireworks

Childish fantasy

Maybe

But I will hold out

For that New Year’s Kiss
And hold on
To that Kiss
As long a possible

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Cooking For One

"Cooking for One" is the name of my future cooking show and cookbook.  It will feature dishes such as:

Frank and Bean
Creamed Pea
Mashed Potato

As well as other dishes, such as:
The Angry Italian
Male Chauvanist PIG in a Blanket

But that's another blog...

I did manage to write an introduction:


Cooking For One

I catch myself crying at unexpected times
Looking through old recipes
Passing ones I pulled because I thought you would like them.

I really thought I could make you stay
If I cooked the right food

I don't feel like cooking anymore
I don't have the energy
Though I should feel like cooking for myself

No one to cook for
What's the point
I can always just eat food out of a bag

I ate four bowls of cereal today
But I'm still hungry
I need nourishment

Which is why I was looking through old recipes
And thinking of the good times I had cooking for you

And now I'm cooking for one
BUT I'M NOT BITTER.


Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Why Do I Let You Get to Me?

Why do I let you get to me?

Dart throwin’
Beer Guzzlin’
White Trash
Hairnet Hon
HOMEWRECKER

Go talk to her

Why tell me these things
I cannot love you
I cannot take care of you
I cannot care about you

But I do care
I do worry
Now I can’t get to sleep

You broke my heart
I shouldn’t give a damn about your
Migraines
Doctor visits
Test results

Do you think you’re stressed?
Really.
Try running the world sometime

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

A Dangerous Game

A Dangerous Game

 I’m playing a dangerous game

Walking a thin line

Between infatuation and attraction

Bordering on psychotic

I could reel you in

I can feel it

It wouldn’t be hard

But it would be wrong

Taking advantage of a friend

Because I am tired of being alone

I extend an invitation and wait for you to accept

(I know you will)

I plot my next move

While pretending I’m not interested if you accept or not

Safer this way

Make it your idea

Make you make the first move

That way I don’t get hurt

If nothing happens, I’ve lost nothing

You are oblivious

We’re still friends

I’m still alone

This game I can play

I play it well

I’ve played it before

It’s what I know

But I can’t play it with you

You are at a disadvantage

You are not even aware that we are playing

A dangerous game

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Bullett is Gone

October 2007.  While dealing with a separation and house that would not sell; my cat decided it was time to visit the great litter box in the sky.

Bullett is Gone

SUBMITTED TO CATFANCY ONLINE IN JANUARY 08

Bullett is gone, and

It is time
To say goodbye
To a good friend
Guardian
Constant companion
One who knew when I was hurting
One who asked for so little
One who gave so much

 She fought to the very end

Grumbling and growling all the way
Until it was done
The medicine having coursed through her veins

 I wrestle with guilt

Did I do the right thing
I killed my cat
I was merciful and put her out of her misery
I was selfish and put her out of my misery
I am so sorry

 Sixteen years jumble into five small trash bags

Favorite toys
Litter boxes
Old towels that she sat on at the very end
Water dishes, bowls
I kept one of the bowls, her favorite
Maybe I will plant something in it
and remember her always.

Copyright 2007 Lori Dominick

I Feel

This one's a little embarrasing, but you suffered through the painful ones - so here you go:

September 2007 – a thought pops into my head that maybe, just maybe, a guy might be interested in me. 

I Feel

I feel

I feel excitement
I feel happiness

I find myself smiling all day

I joke
I laugh
I am having a good time

I don’t feel

Like crying anymore

Part of me wants to keep this feeling

and fight the part of me
that is practical and realistic. 

My head is in the clouds,

and a little voice is telling me I need
to clean,
to finish moving,
to pay bills. 

But I want to savor this feeling that I have. 

I haven’t felt it in a long time. 

An overwhelming, all-powerful attraction to someone. 

I smile when he leaves me a voice mail or calls on the phone. 

I’ve started a competition over him,
but I want him. 

What am I going to do?

This is all wrong. 
He’s so nice and sweet and younger (3 years) and I must admit, lighter than I am. 
Why do I feel this way? 
Heaven help me.  

It’s like high school all over again. 

I don’t want to sleep. 
I replay normal conversations in my head and try to read if there is anything in them.

I’ve lost my mind. 

Completely. 

The voice in my head says that this is all wrong. 

It’s transferred feelings.
I am finally getting rid of an unhealthy part of my life,
Slowly extricating myself from a tangle of obligation, debt, responsibility
and I am latching on to the first single guy I meet. 
He is too much like the other one

But the other voice says no—he’s not like the other one

But he is social as well as funny and smart.

But he is odd and absent minded 

And why would he even be interested in me? 
I am so fat!
And old! 
And loud and bossy and maybe I drink too much.

But there is something in his eyes

and he is only a little taller than me
and I can stand face to face to him. 
And I want to know more about him and get to know him better. 

I think I will let myself enjoy this feeling for a while. 

I’m not going to push it. 
But I am checking my email after midnight to see if there is any chance in hell that he sent me an email. 

I know the answer is no, but I still don’t care.

Even though this will never be…

I feel possibility.

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Three Sages

January 2007.  I made a visit to Green Mountain at Fox Run for a Mindfulness Retreat; and my first happy—OK—hopeful poem emerged. 

Three Sages

Three sages wait

At the top of the mountain

Their roots are strong-

Their energy flows through them
They extend their energy to those
Around them.

We are broken

We are hurt
We are angry
We are unloved
We are tired
We have no energy

The sages say

Listen to your breathing

Listen to your heart
Listen to your body
Love your body for what you can do
Love yourself
Love others

We see sunlight and blue skies

And we say

We are healing

And the sages smile

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Going Through the Paperwork

Going Through the Paperwork

After thirteen years

What do you keep? 
What is yours?
What is mine?
What about tax forms?
Why do I get to be the guardian of the forms?
Ever ready, ever watchful, waiting for the end of seven years
Then it should be safe to throw it all away.
Then will I be done with you and your stuff?

Oh look –
Here’s information on the house.
We made these decisions four years ago
Portabello or Sepia?
Onionskin or Vellum?
Would you like a bay window with that?
Top grade appliances?
Security system?
Check.
Check.
Check.
We want everything.  We want this house to be perfect.  We are going to live here for a very long time. 
At least seven or eight years. 
Then we will look for a place to retire.

But all that has changed.  And now I’m looking for the paperwork to give to the realtors.
So they can list all of our decisions.
So we can get more money.
It’s all about the money now.

And all I can remember is sitting on the bedroom floor with paint chips in a hundred shades of green. 

And you took pictures of me and the paint chips and it was a good picture of me
For once.

And the room came out beautiful. 
And it felt like we were up in the trees, surrounded by green. 
And I was happy.

And now I hate you.

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Attending a Concert Alone

Attending a Concert Alone

And I miss you
And I sit here and wish you were here
As I look at other couples
Other old couples
Other happy couples
I look around, but you are not here
But I think you would enjoy this concert
I am so tired
Maybe I will sleep well tonight.
Thursdays are usually so stressful for me.

Copyright January, 2007. Lori Dominick

Things did not work out- though he did move back in for a few months before he realized that he was still unhappy.  He moved out again, and now it is my task to sort through the clutter and pack up “my things”.  I have been dreading cleaning out my study, where I pay the bills, and where all of the important papers are.  Even though I know it’s over, I can’t help but asking what if?  What if I had done something sooner?  Could I have prevented this?  I tell myself that I can’t keep playing this game.  There is no point to playing “what if”. 

Envy

To A Friend

DO NOT envy too much

Or admire too greatly

A big house, nice cars

All amenities included 

YOU HAVE

A loving home

A loving wife

Loving daughters

WOULD YOU rather come home…
          ...to an empty house

Would your rather have fancy cars…

          …that won’t carry your family

A gas range…

          …with no one to cook for

A home theater…

           …for one

Before you admire me

Realize that it is I who envy you.


Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

I am Dust

I AM DUST

(Realization while waiting for carryout)

SUBMITTED TO CONSTELLATION MAGAZINE (UMUC) 3/22/08

I am dust,

accumulated debris,
an old catalog,
torn magazine,
broken piece of something
(you can’t even remember what),
a bit of wire or string,
an old piece of lint covered candy,
a wine cork.

And when it all is too much and clutters up the corners of your room

(Or your mind)
You walk away
Taking only what you need

And here I am –

Amongst the clutter
In the recesses of your mind
Waiting to be
Swept away
So you can begin anew.

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

A Trio

I’m sad

I rock back and forth
And console myself

I can’t get through this

I meant to write “I can get through this”
Sub-conscious?

It will be OK
Shhhh shhhh
It will be OK

The Cats

The cats know something is wrong.
They want to be near me all of the time.
Your cat listens and watches for you
And sighs
My cat stays near and asks for love
But they both jump at odd noises
I think they are looking for you
I am too.

Plea for help

If there is a God or a
Creator or a Good Force
In this world –

I wish they would put their arms or wings or whatever around me.
And surround me in security
And safety
And help me build up my defenses
And make me strong
And stop this hurting in my heart

Copyright 2006. Lori Dominick

Before you moved out

Before you moved out

I moved your things
They reminded me of you
Too much.

Your dresser is empty,
My heart aches
I can’t stop crying
Such a hole to fill

I wander around the house
With no purpose
I miss you
Don’t go

Don’t leave me

Alone

Copyright 2006. Lori Dominick

Emotions

Emotions

Are you ready?

To handle my emotions

As they pour out

Tumbling

As they come come spewing forth

A lifetime of rage, anger, shame, betrayal, frustration, hurt, pain.

Happiness has taken a holiday

 Then, you will be hurt

You will throw out your defense grid

Based on logic and reason

Or, what appears to be logical and reasonable.

 All of my emotions will be forced into a neat little package for me to swallow.

But the box is bursting at the seams

And each time I try to contain them they get worse. 

Soon your logic and reason will be for naught. 

These emotions will not be controlled.

They want to run unchecked.

They are tired of being contained. 

Are you ready to handle my emotions?

 Guess again.

Note:

Eventually, we worked things out.  On June 1, 2005, I wrote this in my journal:

“Things have not changed much in spite of a new house, new cars, etc.  However, I do not feel like the same person who wrote the previous entries [including the previous poems]. I genuinely believe that [he] loves me and that we can work this out…I do like my poetry though.  I would like to write more – but less depressing…Let the healing begin.”

By New Year’s of 2006, he decided that he needed to be on his own, and I felt the urge to write more bad poetry.  I have yet to feel an urge to write happy poetry. 


Copyright 2006.  Lori Dominick

Pain

Pain

If I could stand on a mountain and summon up the depths of my pain

And release it in a mighty wail
I would

The pain inside me is like a caged beast

To release it would be to release my very soul.
Nothing would be left.

I would be standing on the mountain alone.

Having released
The pain
The hurt
The fears
The insecurity

The wail would start low

Slowly it would crescendo into a roar
That would touch the pain in everyone’s heart.

And everyone would know I was hurting

And they were hurting
And that we all have pain in our lives.

Slowly the wail would drop off as the last of the pain escaped
In a sigh

Some pain would linger in the recesses of my soul

For I will never be without it.

Copyright 1999. Lori Dominick

Lori is Crying

1999 -- Lori is Crying

It is late and
Lori is crying
Again.

She does not hide it very well.
I don’t think she wants to hide it.

The whole world should know
She has been hurt.
Again.

She has been hurt all of her life.
I don’t think the world cares.


Copyright 1999.  Lori Dominick

The Beginning - 1998

The first break up 1998

Note:  When I started to feel that things were going wrong, I chose to ignore it.  Instead of talking to him, I imagined affairs, took things out of context, and leapt to conclusions.  Looking back, I wish I had showed him some of this poetry and tried to work things out sooner. My feelings from this time can be summed up in the following poem. 

Irrationalization

Part 1
Denial
(published in some poetry contest book)

Go ahead then
See if I care
She’s young and pretty and full of ideas
I was young once too.
And pretty and cute and funny.
When we met it was like forever
But now I feel like I’ve lost you
And I want to hang on
But I feel like a desperate fool
Like I’m watching a movie that
Everyone knows the ending to
Except me.
I don’t know the ending
But I feel I’m not gonna like it

Part 2
Jumping to Illogical conclusions – fantasy about moving day

What about this?
Leave it.  Wedding gift.
Don’t you want it?
Are you kidding?  No way.
I am taking all the things that are mine.
I don’t want anything that reminds me of him.
What about this?
Can’t deal with it.  Leave it.
I’ll start over.  Buy new things. 
I don’t need much – a can opener, a good knife.
I don’t eat much at home anyway.
I thought we had every thing we needed but it’s over and I need to move on.

Part 3
Waiting

Having locked my keys in the car

I felt like a fool as I waited there
For hours
Putting on a brave face
Telling everyone that everything was OK
I had no money, no purse so I sat there and waited for you
Sat there and waited
I waited for you
And I sat there
“No miss, I do not want another soda.”
I just want things to be the way they were.
When we did everything together
Now we can’t wait to be apart
He’ll be here soon
He’ll come for me
Who else can I call? 
How did I get into this situation?
Where is he?
I’ve gone and screwed things up again.
I’ll have to find another way.

Part 4
The Lies Start

”Oh, he left hours ago.  He said he was going to be with you.”
And the lies start.
We had no such plans.
Again—waiting and worrying
What do I do now?
Numerous attempts to contact you have proven futile.
Yet I am sure that you will have an excuse. 
And that I will believe it.
Angry at myself for doubting you.
Angry at myself for believing you.
I hope that you are all right.
Doubts and fears easily spill onto the page.
But I can’t wait to see you at home. 
It’ll be nice to spend some time together.

Part 5
Relief

You called.
And I believed.
Or rather, I knew.
Doubting you was stupid.
My insecurity in myself will tear us apart if I let it.
But misery makes better poetry.

Copyright 1998. Lori Dominick

 

Introduction

BAD POETRY

I asked myself,

What constitutes poetry?

What comprises bad poetry?

Why do I think some of my poems are so good?

So, I wrote them out.  They still touch my soul.  They make me cry.  They give me courage.  Hopefully you’ll understand too.

Lori