Going Through the Paperwork

Going Through the Paperwork

After thirteen years

What do you keep? 
What is yours?
What is mine?
What about tax forms?
Why do I get to be the guardian of the forms?
Ever ready, ever watchful, waiting for the end of seven years
Then it should be safe to throw it all away.
Then will I be done with you and your stuff?

Oh look –
Here’s information on the house.
We made these decisions four years ago
Portabello or Sepia?
Onionskin or Vellum?
Would you like a bay window with that?
Top grade appliances?
Security system?
Check.
Check.
Check.
We want everything.  We want this house to be perfect.  We are going to live here for a very long time. 
At least seven or eight years. 
Then we will look for a place to retire.

But all that has changed.  And now I’m looking for the paperwork to give to the realtors.
So they can list all of our decisions.
So we can get more money.
It’s all about the money now.

And all I can remember is sitting on the bedroom floor with paint chips in a hundred shades of green. 

And you took pictures of me and the paint chips and it was a good picture of me
For once.

And the room came out beautiful. 
And it felt like we were up in the trees, surrounded by green. 
And I was happy.

And now I hate you.

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

Attending a Concert Alone

Attending a Concert Alone

And I miss you
And I sit here and wish you were here
As I look at other couples
Other old couples
Other happy couples
I look around, but you are not here
But I think you would enjoy this concert
I am so tired
Maybe I will sleep well tonight.
Thursdays are usually so stressful for me.

Copyright January, 2007. Lori Dominick

Things did not work out- though he did move back in for a few months before he realized that he was still unhappy.  He moved out again, and now it is my task to sort through the clutter and pack up “my things”.  I have been dreading cleaning out my study, where I pay the bills, and where all of the important papers are.  Even though I know it’s over, I can’t help but asking what if?  What if I had done something sooner?  Could I have prevented this?  I tell myself that I can’t keep playing this game.  There is no point to playing “what if”. 

Envy

To A Friend

DO NOT envy too much

Or admire too greatly

A big house, nice cars

All amenities included 

YOU HAVE

A loving home

A loving wife

Loving daughters

WOULD YOU rather come home…
          ...to an empty house

Would your rather have fancy cars…

          …that won’t carry your family

A gas range…

          …with no one to cook for

A home theater…

           …for one

Before you admire me

Realize that it is I who envy you.


Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

I am Dust

I AM DUST

(Realization while waiting for carryout)

SUBMITTED TO CONSTELLATION MAGAZINE (UMUC) 3/22/08

I am dust,

accumulated debris,
an old catalog,
torn magazine,
broken piece of something
(you can’t even remember what),
a bit of wire or string,
an old piece of lint covered candy,
a wine cork.

And when it all is too much and clutters up the corners of your room

(Or your mind)
You walk away
Taking only what you need

And here I am –

Amongst the clutter
In the recesses of your mind
Waiting to be
Swept away
So you can begin anew.

Copyright 2007. Lori Dominick

A Trio

I’m sad

I rock back and forth
And console myself

I can’t get through this

I meant to write “I can get through this”
Sub-conscious?

It will be OK
Shhhh shhhh
It will be OK

The Cats

The cats know something is wrong.
They want to be near me all of the time.
Your cat listens and watches for you
And sighs
My cat stays near and asks for love
But they both jump at odd noises
I think they are looking for you
I am too.

Plea for help

If there is a God or a
Creator or a Good Force
In this world –

I wish they would put their arms or wings or whatever around me.
And surround me in security
And safety
And help me build up my defenses
And make me strong
And stop this hurting in my heart

Copyright 2006. Lori Dominick

Before you moved out

Before you moved out

I moved your things
They reminded me of you
Too much.

Your dresser is empty,
My heart aches
I can’t stop crying
Such a hole to fill

I wander around the house
With no purpose
I miss you
Don’t go

Don’t leave me

Alone

Copyright 2006. Lori Dominick

Emotions

Emotions

Are you ready?

To handle my emotions

As they pour out

Tumbling

As they come come spewing forth

A lifetime of rage, anger, shame, betrayal, frustration, hurt, pain.

Happiness has taken a holiday

 Then, you will be hurt

You will throw out your defense grid

Based on logic and reason

Or, what appears to be logical and reasonable.

 All of my emotions will be forced into a neat little package for me to swallow.

But the box is bursting at the seams

And each time I try to contain them they get worse. 

Soon your logic and reason will be for naught. 

These emotions will not be controlled.

They want to run unchecked.

They are tired of being contained. 

Are you ready to handle my emotions?

 Guess again.

Note:

Eventually, we worked things out.  On June 1, 2005, I wrote this in my journal:

“Things have not changed much in spite of a new house, new cars, etc.  However, I do not feel like the same person who wrote the previous entries [including the previous poems]. I genuinely believe that [he] loves me and that we can work this out…I do like my poetry though.  I would like to write more – but less depressing…Let the healing begin.”

By New Year’s of 2006, he decided that he needed to be on his own, and I felt the urge to write more bad poetry.  I have yet to feel an urge to write happy poetry. 


Copyright 2006.  Lori Dominick

Pain

Pain

If I could stand on a mountain and summon up the depths of my pain

And release it in a mighty wail
I would

The pain inside me is like a caged beast

To release it would be to release my very soul.
Nothing would be left.

I would be standing on the mountain alone.

Having released
The pain
The hurt
The fears
The insecurity

The wail would start low

Slowly it would crescendo into a roar
That would touch the pain in everyone’s heart.

And everyone would know I was hurting

And they were hurting
And that we all have pain in our lives.

Slowly the wail would drop off as the last of the pain escaped
In a sigh

Some pain would linger in the recesses of my soul

For I will never be without it.

Copyright 1999. Lori Dominick

Lori is Crying

1999 -- Lori is Crying

It is late and
Lori is crying
Again.

She does not hide it very well.
I don’t think she wants to hide it.

The whole world should know
She has been hurt.
Again.

She has been hurt all of her life.
I don’t think the world cares.


Copyright 1999.  Lori Dominick

The Beginning - 1998

The first break up 1998

Note:  When I started to feel that things were going wrong, I chose to ignore it.  Instead of talking to him, I imagined affairs, took things out of context, and leapt to conclusions.  Looking back, I wish I had showed him some of this poetry and tried to work things out sooner. My feelings from this time can be summed up in the following poem. 

Irrationalization

Part 1
Denial
(published in some poetry contest book)

Go ahead then
See if I care
She’s young and pretty and full of ideas
I was young once too.
And pretty and cute and funny.
When we met it was like forever
But now I feel like I’ve lost you
And I want to hang on
But I feel like a desperate fool
Like I’m watching a movie that
Everyone knows the ending to
Except me.
I don’t know the ending
But I feel I’m not gonna like it

Part 2
Jumping to Illogical conclusions – fantasy about moving day

What about this?
Leave it.  Wedding gift.
Don’t you want it?
Are you kidding?  No way.
I am taking all the things that are mine.
I don’t want anything that reminds me of him.
What about this?
Can’t deal with it.  Leave it.
I’ll start over.  Buy new things. 
I don’t need much – a can opener, a good knife.
I don’t eat much at home anyway.
I thought we had every thing we needed but it’s over and I need to move on.

Part 3
Waiting

Having locked my keys in the car

I felt like a fool as I waited there
For hours
Putting on a brave face
Telling everyone that everything was OK
I had no money, no purse so I sat there and waited for you
Sat there and waited
I waited for you
And I sat there
“No miss, I do not want another soda.”
I just want things to be the way they were.
When we did everything together
Now we can’t wait to be apart
He’ll be here soon
He’ll come for me
Who else can I call? 
How did I get into this situation?
Where is he?
I’ve gone and screwed things up again.
I’ll have to find another way.

Part 4
The Lies Start

”Oh, he left hours ago.  He said he was going to be with you.”
And the lies start.
We had no such plans.
Again—waiting and worrying
What do I do now?
Numerous attempts to contact you have proven futile.
Yet I am sure that you will have an excuse. 
And that I will believe it.
Angry at myself for doubting you.
Angry at myself for believing you.
I hope that you are all right.
Doubts and fears easily spill onto the page.
But I can’t wait to see you at home. 
It’ll be nice to spend some time together.

Part 5
Relief

You called.
And I believed.
Or rather, I knew.
Doubting you was stupid.
My insecurity in myself will tear us apart if I let it.
But misery makes better poetry.

Copyright 1998. Lori Dominick

 

Introduction

BAD POETRY

I asked myself,

What constitutes poetry?

What comprises bad poetry?

Why do I think some of my poems are so good?

So, I wrote them out.  They still touch my soul.  They make me cry.  They give me courage.  Hopefully you’ll understand too.

Lori