The Beginning - 1998

The first break up 1998

Note:  When I started to feel that things were going wrong, I chose to ignore it.  Instead of talking to him, I imagined affairs, took things out of context, and leapt to conclusions.  Looking back, I wish I had showed him some of this poetry and tried to work things out sooner. My feelings from this time can be summed up in the following poem. 

Irrationalization

Part 1
Denial
(published in some poetry contest book)

Go ahead then
See if I care
She’s young and pretty and full of ideas
I was young once too.
And pretty and cute and funny.
When we met it was like forever
But now I feel like I’ve lost you
And I want to hang on
But I feel like a desperate fool
Like I’m watching a movie that
Everyone knows the ending to
Except me.
I don’t know the ending
But I feel I’m not gonna like it

Part 2
Jumping to Illogical conclusions – fantasy about moving day

What about this?
Leave it.  Wedding gift.
Don’t you want it?
Are you kidding?  No way.
I am taking all the things that are mine.
I don’t want anything that reminds me of him.
What about this?
Can’t deal with it.  Leave it.
I’ll start over.  Buy new things. 
I don’t need much – a can opener, a good knife.
I don’t eat much at home anyway.
I thought we had every thing we needed but it’s over and I need to move on.

Part 3
Waiting

Having locked my keys in the car

I felt like a fool as I waited there
For hours
Putting on a brave face
Telling everyone that everything was OK
I had no money, no purse so I sat there and waited for you
Sat there and waited
I waited for you
And I sat there
“No miss, I do not want another soda.”
I just want things to be the way they were.
When we did everything together
Now we can’t wait to be apart
He’ll be here soon
He’ll come for me
Who else can I call? 
How did I get into this situation?
Where is he?
I’ve gone and screwed things up again.
I’ll have to find another way.

Part 4
The Lies Start

”Oh, he left hours ago.  He said he was going to be with you.”
And the lies start.
We had no such plans.
Again—waiting and worrying
What do I do now?
Numerous attempts to contact you have proven futile.
Yet I am sure that you will have an excuse. 
And that I will believe it.
Angry at myself for doubting you.
Angry at myself for believing you.
I hope that you are all right.
Doubts and fears easily spill onto the page.
But I can’t wait to see you at home. 
It’ll be nice to spend some time together.

Part 5
Relief

You called.
And I believed.
Or rather, I knew.
Doubting you was stupid.
My insecurity in myself will tear us apart if I let it.
But misery makes better poetry.

Copyright 1998. Lori Dominick